So I’ve just finished reading my first ever ‘Self-help’ book, the somewhat disconcertingly titled ‘Reasons to Stay Alive’ by Matt Haig. Much to my surprise, it was honestly one of the best things I have ever read. Far from being the preachy, self-indulgent and patronizing nonsense that I thought all self-help books would be, it was in fact funny, uplifting and surprisingly hard-hitting. They say ‘don’t judge a book by its cover’ and for me this has never been more apt.
Now I feel I must apologize for not posting anything over the last couple of months, but I promise there is good reason. To say that have been falling back into old habits over the past 3 months would be putting it extremely politely. Despite finally getting into the industry of my dreams and working with an incredible group of people, it turns out that it takes more than a good job to cure depression…much to my annoyance.
Just over 3 weeks ago I hit rock bottom, the fourth time I have got to such a low point in my 23 years of existence, and whilst it has had some serious repercussions it has also given me the push that I needed to move forward. I am happy to say that soon I will be attending regular therapy sessions, I have begun addressing the most unhealthy aspects of my life and trying to change them, and I have started focusing on how to achieve and maintain a positive mindset.
For the longest time I have thought that positive thinking and yogi mumbo-jumbo was precisely that, a load of crap designed to get money out of people who have less sense than a teaspoon. However I can honestly say that of all the changes I have been making, it is precisely this that has made the biggest difference.
I have had moments over the last few months when I wanted nothing more than to disappear, end my life so that I wouldn’t have to deal with the pain and disappointment I felt when I looked at myself in the mirror. Whilst I have had these feelings in the past, they have never had the level of clarity that these did. At times I was so certain of my lack of worth that it seemed removing myself from the world could only make it better for those that I love.
Talking about all of this with my friends and family was the first step. Identifying the fixable problems in my life was the second. Now the final step is working towards fixing them. Setting up a mantra that I can repeat to myself every time my mind wanders into that dark space, yoga, reading books written by people who have been through what I have (and much worse) and not only survived but truly thrived…and writing, writing for me is the single greatest release I have ever felt.
So from this day forward I am going to make positive steps towards dealing with and perhaps even beating my depression. I’m am not going to promise that I won’t have to take a break again or that I am always going to be optimistic and positive but I am going to promise to myself above all else that I will try.
So in the spirit of Matt Haig’s honestly incredible book, here are some of my reasons to stay alive:
- My friends and family
- The knowledge that taking my own life could cause someone I love to fall into depression, normally in my mind it is the fear that I would drive my Mother into it that pulls me out of the darkness
- Losing myself in an incredible book
- Losing myself in a new Instagram feed
- My job and my love of the fashion industry
- The fact that I haven’t written a book yet
- Chicken and mushroom Pot Noodles
- Watching my friends do incredible things and achieve their dreams
- Knowing that every time I find myself surrounded by emptiness I have beaten it before and I will beat it again
- How will I ever know the end of Belinda Blinked!? (See number 11)
- My Dad Wrote A Porno (If you haven’t listened to it then download it now, because it is simply incredible)
- I promised Yianna that we would go back to Japan
- I don’t want to be another painful statistic
- I can have a much more positive impact by staying alive than I can by taking my life
- I haven’t seen early enough of the world to leave it behind
I know this has been somewhat of a solemn post but I hope it has helped to explain my absence over the past few months, and has reassured you that I am now back and better than ever.
See you soon,